By Bunmi Sofola
THE big question really is: How often should you have sex; how much sex makes you happy? According to a recent survey, couples who make love once a week are the most content. Meanwhile, there are some people whose libido is so low they look the other way when their partners look for sexual gratification somewhere else. So how often is enough? Mandy is in her 40s and has two children. She got married five years ago to a man six years her junior. “Kola, (that’s the husband’s name) and I can’t get enough of one another,” she bragged,” and it’s not because we’re both hugely sexual people.’ We met working out next to each other at our social club’s gym and there was an instant attraction.
Kola helped me with the weights and we started swapping diet tips. As I got ready to leave, he invited me for a drink at the bar. “On our first date, I made it clear to him I wasn’t really looking for fun or anything, I wanted to settle down. He assured me he wanted a relationship too, but to be really sure we had that spark to start a meaningful relationship, we waited for months before we slept together. As he is six years my junior, I wanted to make sure he wasn’t in it for the experience of sleeping with a senior girl! But when we made love for the first time, it unleashed an avalanche of emotions inside us. “We moved in together right away and were married within 18 months. Since our marriage, we have had sex every single day even though neither of us ever had sex daily with other partners. In fact, in past relationships, I could have left the sex bit out. But with Kola, there’s so much chemistry. We need to be together physically at least once a day or we’ d boil over. We are addicted to each other and I can’t see things changing.
I think we have a really healthy close relationship. We’re best friends as well as lovers. We grab every chance we can to have sex and we are so in tune, neither of us has ever turned the other down. To us sex every day is just as important as kissing.” Her husband Kola said happily that people listening to her will think I am a lucky man. Well, I am”! But I agree with Mandy. Making love so often is about more than sexual urges, it is a physical closeness we need. If we didn’t make love every day it would feel like I hadn’t said ‘I love you’ to my wife. It’s an emotional bond that I absolutely love. Happy doesn’t come close to how I feel.” Amanda and Kola might be on cloud nine having sex everyday, but there are couples who have sex less often—like once a year! A few months ago, Saira Khan the star of Loose Women, an American series, dropped the bombshell that her libido was low— so low she told her husband to sleep with other women.
Tunde and Nkechi have been married for over 20 years, and said they have settled into the comfortable rut of having sex about once a year. “I suppose if you average it out over the last decade or so, we have had sex once every 12 months,” confessed Nkechi, “ Actually, almost two years have lapsed since we did it. Neither of us, but particularly me, has much of a sex drive. And more to the point, we find other ways to show our love for one another. We kiss, we hold hands, and we cook for one another. That’s good enough for us. We’ve been like this for about 12 years. ‘’’When we first got married, we would have sex about once or twice a week and I enjoyed it. But with each child that came along,(we have four aged between 20 and 14). I got more and more tired, had less time and fancied the whole act less. It’s never been a problem though.
Tunde has never moaned about it. Eventually sex fell off the agenda altogether. It’s not that I hate it, I just don’t need it to be fulfilled in my relationship—neither of us does. “The last time we did it was on a holiday in a neighbouring country two years ago. It was really special because it was just the two of us. And I know the next time, which is next month when we go to the same spot for our holiday, will be equally lovely. There will be no teenagers to walk in on us, lots of quality time and I’m sure my husband will instigate it. I believe sex is healthy for a relationship, but it’s friendship and love that give it a solid foundation. And we have that. If the sex comes back one day, that’s fine but we’re happy as we are.” Her husband doesn’t exactly agree with her.”I admit sometimes I would like to make love to my wife more frequently,” he said. “But sex is not everything. Just having one another is what’s key to me. We touch and kiss and do other things that can be just as special as actually having sex.
And there would be no pleasure in making love to someone who doesn’t really want to. I always say marriage is a marathon not a sprint, and because we are so comfortable and don’t make sex the be-all and end-all, I know that we’ll be together for ever.” However, in between the couple who make love every day and the ones who make love once a year lies the average. According to a recent survey, couples who make love once a week are the most content. Frances, 38, and her husband Mark, 39, have been married for nine years and have two children.
“When we first became a couple,” said Frances, “we had sex all the time, daily almost, we are both naturally very physical people. We moved in together and it was no surprise to discover I was expecting a few months later. My being pregnant didn’t even stop us. But then our first child arrived and Mark started working longer hours. Life has ‘been busy in the past couple of years that sex has taken a bit of a back seat. “We had our first child, moved to a bigger place and planned a wedding…. My eyes are dosed before I get into bed most nights and we’re not morning people. We have a bit of a joke about it. The other day, Mark said: “Do you know it’s been six days since we last did it?” I said, “I can’t believe you’re actually counting.” Now we have sex about once a week, normally at the weekends. Sometimes I feel guilty and think I should make more effort. My husband would definitely like more sex than he gets at the moment. He says he’d do it every day if he could, although whether he could manage is another thing! And I admit, in a perfect world, I would love a little more love making too. But all that said, we’re content with the once a week we do it. It’s quality, isn’t it! As the children get older, I’m sure we’ll go back to being more physical because it’s in our nature, but for now, we’re happy.” So what does Mark have to say about his once a weak ration? “Of course, I would like more sex,” he complained.
“What man wouldn’t? But this is just how a relationship goes, isn’t it? There are peaks and troughs. I know things will change and we’ll have more sex eventually. Besides, we are happy. I can’t ask for more than that” Apart from Mandy and Kola who have found their niche when it comes to how often to have sex, which to them is everyday, the husbands of the two other couples would want lots more sex. This is where compromise comes in. Once a year with a husband who wants lots more sex is-selfish and the couple should put their sex life back on the burner now the kids are all teenagers. The wife should be opened to more sex—the husband, instead of meekly falling in line with his wife’s wish should let her know in a friendly way that sex is as important in a marriage as the children and the home. It is the cement that binds and makes for a happy married life.
Battle depression by having more Sex! Forget the pills and pick-me-up. Never mind retail therapy. If you’re feeling down in the dumps, there’s a simple solution. Have more sex! Psychologists have found that women who have sex frequently are less likely to be depressed. Experts now believe that it isn’t lovemaking itself that gives women a lift, it is the feel-good chemicals in a man’s semen. These chemicals get into a woman’s bloodstream and act just like an anti-depressant. A study published in the Achievers of Sexual Behaviour reveals how researchers at New York University fogged the sexual activities and depression of 300 women. Those women who had sex but didn’t use condom were found to be less depressed than women who had protected sex and those who had no sex at all. The report claims that the vagina absorbs several biological products contained in seminal fluid that can be measured in the bloodstream within several hours.